Save Me From Myself
by Hikaru-wa-shiawase-eien-ni
Summary: It's been months since Lena found out about Kara lying through Lex and Kara had known something was wrong between them afterwards. Lena had made every excuse under the sun to avoid her since and Kara wasn't dumb, she knew, she suspected the reason for Lena's recent behavior. Will Lena ever forgive Kara when her life isn't in danger?
1. I Just Miss You

Summary: It's been months since Lena found out about Kara lying through Lex and Kara had known something was wrong between them afterwards. Lena had made every excuse under the sun to avoid her since and Kara wasn't dumb, she knew, she suspected the reason for Lena's recent behavior. Now, nearly half a year since their relationship became so strained Lena hadn't seen Kara in half that time, Kara lands on Lena's balcony after solar flaring and being shot out of the sky by a sniper ready for her. Blood smeared everywhere and Kara didn't have the strength to move as Lena came rushing over to a dying Kara.

Will Lena ever forgive Kara when her life isn't in danger? If she's on her death bed, is that the only time Lena will willingly see her, Kara wonders as she lays on the ground with a pale Lena trying to get her to safety behind her bulletproof office windows. Maybe they could have been more if she had just told Lena her secret and her feelings, instead of this limbo they were in. Lena saving Kara's life while Kara was trying so hard to stay dead, to linger in a state near death.

Chapter 1

I Just Miss You

_My days without you, I can't focus on anything_

_Never, no more_

_Even if I regret it, everything is over_

_I don't even have the confidence to turn this around_

_You kindly come to me and shake me again_

_Oh no, oh no_

_Stop holding onto my heart_

_Only looking at you and crying for you seems foolish_

_Oh no, oh no_

_This is not love_

Six months since Lena had started acting strange. No, not strange really. Just plain old avoiding Kara's every call, text, and surprise visits that ended up not being a visit. Visits implied you were seen by the person you were trying to actually see. It implied you had spent some amount of time together. Despite being best friends … Lena and Kara had not spent more than an hour with each other since Lena started avoiding her and giving reasons for why she couldn't see Kara. Kara's chest ached when she thought about it too long, her lungs felt stuck with emotion, and her eyes became wet no matter how hard she tried not to let it show. The disappointment was slowly turning into painful understanding. She had waited too long and either someone else had told Lena or Lena had figured it out on her own at this point. And it hurt so much to realize that all of the wasted chances she'd had over the years meant losing the one person who meant the most to her outside of her family … well, Lena had been family at one point. Kara was probably enemy number one now instead of the person Lena would turn to for comfort any time something happened and shook her world like Jack's passing, Lillian's betrayal, and the countless other things that had happened to her.

_Love, I pretend that I'm fine_

_That I don't love you even though I do_

_I can't do it_

_Crying, crying_

_Love, I try to take it back_

_But you're already gone_

_I'm endlessly_

_Crying, crying_

Kara took a shaky breath and looked around at her empty apartment. There were no more game nights without Lena because she was her perfect partner during every game night … until she left. And no more movie nights unless Alex came over and forcibly fed Kara food while attempting to watch the horror movies that they used to just love making fun of for poor plots or dumb decisions. No, nothing was the same without Lena there. Food tasted like the ashes of her home planet, colors looked dull without Lena's beauty to appreciate things and make everything more beautiful and brighter, living was the same as being dead when you found you had nothing to find any amount of joy in doing.

_I open my eyes and after coming to my sense,_

_You're not here_

_I rub my eyes and look around, but you're not here_

_I close my eyes again and open them_

_But still,_

_You're not here_

_I thought I would be fine without you_

_But I keep looking back at our memories_

_Tears and memories spill out as if I'm vomiting_

_Everything is over, stop, for you and for me_

Would Lena ever come back here again? It was a miserable existence without Lena to make everything better in Kara's life. Even pot stickers tasted better when they were from Lena. Now everything was bland and muted, like a world without color, sound, and everything was tasteless, a world in which she could only perceive things through touch alone. It made her life feel worse than dull. She'd prefer it if her life were just boring rather than this world of grief because she was grieving, grieving the end of the relationship she had with the person she loved more than anything in the world. The one person who had made her better. Kara would give anything to get it all back, to get Lena to come back and be with her again.

No one at work suspected a thing was wrong because Kara still left for her supposed hour-long lunch breaks, but just spent the time writing her articles above the clouds where no one could see her if she occasionally broke down crying where no one could see her even with a telescope or binoculars. When she came back from supposedly eating, no one would bat an eyelash at her, give her a second look to see her eyes were just a bit puffy, and she made sure that her eyes were no longer red-rimmed and that none of her makeup was running. Having glasses to hide behind had never been so convenient.

And then something else added to her stress. It had been a long time coming though. Kara was asked to go interview Lena about some new technology unfolding. Despite Kara's assertions that someone else might be better suited, Snapper insisted she go since she was friends with Lena. Kara had almost broken down and just said that he forgot to add that she _had_ been Lena's friend and that it was no longer the case at the moment. She almost said that they hadn't even spoken directly for over three months now. But no, she held her tongue and requested an interview with Lena through Jess. Surprisingly, Lena had accepted apparently and the entire time had been stilted and restricted to work-related topics only. Kara hadn't been surprised by that. And then as Kara was getting up to leave, feeling cold inside even though she had never experienced cold on earth before, Lena asked if she was feeling okay because she looked a little pale and thinner than Lena remembered.

With the fakest smile Kara had ever given anyone she said she was fine. That smile wobbled and cracked like Kara's heart. Kara wasn't sure if Lena had meant to say it out loud, but Kara heard it, the single word that reminded her of happier times between them, "liar," she'd said. But this time, it wasn't under the same context as when she'd been grief baking two years ago. Kara pretended she hadn't heard that more than likely slipup and told Lena goodbye. She left before Lena could say anything else and felt an unusual throbbing in her chest when she turned her back on Lena and practically flew out the building with how quickly she was walking away. Kara spared a single second to tell Jess to have a nice day over her shoulder before the door had even slammed shut with her haste. It was probably obvious she wasn't quite human with how quickly she had moved to the elevator but, again, why did Kara care if either of these people knew her secret now? Lena obviously knew and Jess had probably suspected for some time because of how many times Kara had done something slightly less than human.

_You kindly come to me and shake me again_

_Oh no, oh no_

_Stop holding onto my heart_

_Only looking at you and crying for you seems so foolish_

_Oh no, oh no_

_This is not love_

Only Alex knew the reason why Kara was so desolate and despondent. James and Winn had obviously noticed the less than chipper Kryptonian but neither knew why Kara was the way she was and she didn't have the strength to say the words out loud, that the relationship that had fulfilled her for years had come to a horrible end. No, saying something like that out loud would only make it real. Doing something that outwardly acknowledged it made it reality instead of something she could pretend was make believe. A nightmare only she was awake. The opposite of the Black Mercy, Red Mercy. Perhaps that would have been a lovely explanation for this. But no, it wasn't the Red Mercy, it was Kara's actions, or lack thereof. She knew it was her own fault she was experiencing this nightmare. If Kara could live in the world of the Black Mercy and die right now … she would. She'd take it over this pain.

_Love, I pretend that I'm fine_

_That I don't love you even though I do_

_I can't do it_

_Crying, crying_

_Love, I try to take it all back_

_But you're already gone_

_I'm endlessly_

_Crying, crying_

Kara Danvers, synonymous to sunshine in Kryptonian form to those who knew her true identity was now more like the blackest night, no moon to reflect the light of the sun at night on earth's surface. No more. Even though Kara hadn't confirmed Lena's reasons for becoming so distant, she had overheard it by accident one day when she had gone to talk to Lena after the first week of suffering near radio silence. _"Never again will I trust you, Kara Danvers. I'll never let you in again."_ That had been the catalyst for Kara to begin to almost frantically reach out to her only to be pushed away even more than before, as if Lena knew what Kara was trying to do and she wanted nothing to do with her anymore. Perhaps there was more truth to that than Kara realized. Every call unanswered, every text message ignored, every attempt at a visit rejected, and the biggest surprise was that Lena hadn't banned Kara from the office. Maybe that was just to keep things professional.

_No, I'm not the me that I used to know_

_I know this is just a part of life_

_But every time I breathe_

_I hate you_

What was life anyways? A collection of moments with those you come to care about as they fill your life with meaning? What was life when that meaning was taken away like it meant nothing at all to the other person then? Did life have any true meaning without someone to share it with? Life without Lena was meaningless to Kara now that she would never have her love again. It didn't matter if they stayed friends forever.

_I can't sleep all night and I try to comfort myself_

_Saying it's alright_

_But I can't help it, I can't take it back_

_I only have regrets that are too late_

Deep bags were accruing under Kara's eyes as she tossed and turned every night. She couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't smile genuinely. Was this what it meant to be sick? She had never experienced a human illness so she hadn't experienced illness in nearly two decades. The closest she'd gotten to feeling sick was when Kryptonite was involved, but that was more of a poison than legitimate illness. Kara wouldn't even care if someone had some Kryptonite and stabbed her clean through the chest with it right now. It would have been a relief from this bland life. No, it wasn't even bland, it was just pointless now. What was her life without Lena? Everything Alex had done brought no comfort to the devastated person Kara had become.

_I don't mind so don't cry_

_Love, you were different, you changed me_

_Now I think I know everything_

_No matter how much I push and shove you away_

_Only looking at you and crying for you seems so foolish_

Everything about life had become heightened with Lena as a bright spot in her life and so the high ended with Lena leaving her. It was a worse crash than a drug addicted after they lost their high and needed more drugs to fulfill them again. Her first high was meeting Lena, her addiction was not being able to go a day without seeing her, and her crash left her in her lonely misery. Kara wasn't sure when Alex was going to stop trying. She might never stop. But Kara couldn't even feel it. Nothing was the same without Lena. Love had given her life more meaning than she knew was possible. So life without Lena was pointless. Life had no meaning without her.

_Love, you were different, you changed me_

_Now I think I know everything_

_No matter how much I push and shove you away_

_You are my everything that can't leave me_

_I wanna go back_

_I couldn't love anyone but you_

Anyone who knew Kara well would be able to see how much love had changed her. She had been content in life before, so she was happy and so bright. And then Lena came into her life looking like an angel on this earth. Everything became so much more with her there. And she felt true happiness then. She experienced euphoria and became exuberant. If anyone thought she had been a ray of sunshine before, it was nothing compared to her after Lena showed up and made Kara feel more than she thought was even possible.

When she dated Mon-El, it was with the thought that Lena didn't see her that way. But she was still in her life and her rock, her gravity, her center. Every day without her was another day less than worth living for. How could Kara survive this long without that light in her life? Kara was surprised she hadn't died yet from this heartbreak.

Everyday was dark and just as miserable as the last no matter how hard Alex tried to help her through. Nothing would ever be okay again. Not without her angel next to her and making her see light in everything. Alex had tried to joke that she thought she was the pessimist between them. Kara didn't even smile. Just looked on blankly before saying "funny," like she meant anything but that word. Alex was never going to stop, she was never going to give up on her sister but she was beyond frustrated and worried about this version of Kara dropping dead.

In a bid to figure out what exactly caused them to fall apart, Alex had gone to see Lena only to see that she didn't seem to be doing much better than Kara was. Every question was answered with a non-answer, adding to Alex's worry and utter frustration. She was at her wit's end. Looking back on it, Alex realized that Lena must know the truth because she had been so cold. Honestly, Lena could have been worse. Probably knew that it wasn't Alex's place to tell her someone else's secret, even if it was her sister's secret. Lena hadn't been cruel, just curt and evasive. That was so like her though, locking her feelings away in fucking little boxes. 

Was there anything Alex could do to fix her sister's broken life? Her broken heart wasn't going to mend without Lena's intervention. Lena was just as heartbroken and Alex didn't know if she could do anything about that.

X

Kara's powers blew out because these fucking Cadmus agents decided that having every alien weapon possible would have some desired effect on her eventually. There was some merit to that because it increased their chances of finding something that would work on her eventually. And it did work in sapping her of her strength and speed. She could still fly somehow and she used the last of her powers to get away when she was shot. Pain she had never felt before caused her to fall right out of the sky and, in a twist of fucking fate, right onto Lena's balcony. She caused a loud thud as gravity pulled her down to earth. Kara must have passed out because the next moment she felt herself being dragged somewhere and she didn't resist, wondering if those people were trying to finish her.

"_Rao, in your light I was created and, in your light, I will go from this planet I was not born on,"_ Kara said, sounding weak in Kryptonese.

"Don't you dare die Kara Danvers."

"Let me go," Kara's voice was barely audible.

"Kara Danvers. Don't you dare give up your life like this, do you hear me, Kara? Kara! Fuck!"

She must have blacked out again because the next moment she was somewhere that felt like a strong ray of sunlight but she couldn't bring herself to open her eyes. If this was the afterlife … she was ready for her death. Rao was waiting for her to come back to him. Her father, Aunt Astra, Uncle Non … her lost Kryptonian family … they were waiting for her to come back. Even though she was still angry with Non, the after life was for forgiveness of all sins while you were alive, right?

"Wake the fuck up!" Was that Alex's voice?

Kara wasn't sure what she was doing in Rao's light. Did Alex die too? Her heartbeat started going crazy and she felt herself slipping out of consciousness again when a warm hand touched her neck, pressing into her pulse and it warmed Kara, soothed her distraught, dying soul.

X

Alex was pacing back and forth where Kara lay, still a bloody mess from the gunshot wound that had punctured her through her stomach and cracked several ribs. Everything was a fucking mess and Lena was working through different treatments to make sure Kara didn't die. Dr. Hamilton had removed the bullet and Alex had been sick when the woman had done it to an essentially human Kara. She held back the bile powered through what needed to be done to save her sister's life as Lena did the same. Alex had been surprised with Lena's urgent phone call but less so when she realized that Lena had an injured Kara with her somehow. None of the details mattered as long as Kara didn't fucking die.

When had things become so fucked up? Alex continued pacing as she looked for things that might help her nearly dead sister.

I decided to go with another angsty post reveal fic with a different angle because I'm a masochist. Let me know what you all think. Song for this fic by Sistar is watch?v=3U_H3dt4hWg Please give it a listen because their vocals are amazing and sets the tone for the entire chapter so freaking well.

姫宮光る


	2. Sleeping Heartbeat

Chapter 2

Sleeping Heartbeat

_My heartbeat falls asleep today_

_Eternal hibernation_

_Winter beckons me again_

_My heartbeat has been frozen_

_My heartbeat's counting down the days_

_Til you return from somewhere_

_The hidden face you ran away_

_You took my heartbeat with you_

_It stopped for you_

_It stopped for you_

_It's been so long my heart's on hold for you_

Kara felt herself waking up slowly, like the most peaceful sleep she had not had since Lena left. Her heartbeat felt strong … well, stronger at least, and she felt something warm in her hand, another person's warmth holding her hand gently. It couldn't be? Not her possibly?

_Oh, oh, oh, my heart is done in_

_Keeps beating faster and faster and faster_

_Are you here?_

_Must be you_

Her heartbeat picked up, wondering if it was Lena and she got her answer when the person who was holding her hand let go almost immediately. It was a response to Kara's wakening and it caused enough stress on Kara's still healing body for her to feel herself fading into darkness once again and that darkness brought with it relief she did not have in her waking moments. She greeted it like an old friend, a dear friend. Yes, Kara welcomed this numbing darkness with her arms wide open, ready to sink into that pleasant blankness.

_You're leaving so soon_

_My heartbeat's going_

_My heartbeat's going_

_My heartbeat's gone_

_My heartbeat's slowing down again_

_Sinking as you fade_

_Slowly I must let you go_

_Where's my perfect day?_

The next time Kara realized she was awake, there was something obstructing her face and she didn't like it one bit and with what little strength she had regained attempted to move her hand. It did nothing more than allow her fingers to twitch and she realized that there was that hand again, enveloping her in warmth that would soon fade, of that she was sure. Surely enough, her prediction came true when feeling her fingers clench slightly that warmth left her. Except this time, it was not a slow crawl, she dropped right back into that state of mind where nothing existed and she was okay with that nothingness. If this was her new happiness, she was more than okay with that she decided as she lost all ability to think.

_It stopped for you_

_It stopped for you_

_It's been so long my heart's on hold for you_

_Oh, oh, oh my heart is done in_

_Keeps beating faster and faster and faster_

_Are you here?_

_Must be you_

_You're leaving so soon_

_My heartbeat's going_

_My heartbeat's going_

_My heartbeat's gone_

_Gone, gone_

Kara was barely aware, at the edges of her consciousness, she heard, "_damnit Kara, don't you fucking die! Do you hear me Kara Danvers? I swear to Rao! Your fucking God, you better not let yourself go like this, okay? Come back to me!_"

It sounded like Alex. Was Alex in her consciousness now? "_Alex, we're doing our best okay?_"

"_Why do you fucking care, Luthor?_" A surprised gasp she could barely grasp, the sounds of their voices fading away.

"_Because I do love her still. She was my best friend, Alex._" It was a faint whisper in her ear. Everything was so far away now.

_It stopped for you_

_It longs for you_

_It's been so long my heart's on hold for you_

_Oh, oh, oh, my heart is done in_

_Keeps beating faster and faster and faster_

_Are you here?_

_Must be you_

_You're leaving so soon_

_My heartbeat's going_

_My heartbeat's going_

_My heartbeat's gone_

Kara had no concept of the passage of time as she laid there, dead to the world outside of her head, her mind so blissfully blank. It could have been hours, it might have only been an hour, or it could have been days. She didn't care and she didn't know how long it had been since she last found her consciousness. If only she could slip back into the blankness of feeling nothing at all. That feeling was such relief, a balm to soothe her aching heart, her shattered mind, her broken soul. Everything was wrong now. Nothing was right without Lena in her life. She wished for it all to end, preferably now while she hadn't gone completely insane yet.

As Kara came more into her consciousness, her heartbeat was starting to elevate to dangerous levels and she felt someone touching her, pressing gently against her forehead … was it someone else's forehead pressed against hers? It had to be Lena because no one else's presence would affect her so much to the point of feeling this much. Alex had tried to relieve Kara of her muted emotions to no avail and she had tried to give her the joy in eating that she had possessed prior to this to her own utter frustration. She wasn't mad or frustrated with Kara, just the situation. Anything she had enjoyed before was no longer able to bring her to feel anything passed the pain of losing someone dear to her, the most beautiful friendship she'd ever had gone down the drain, out the window with one stupid lie.

Something bright flashed behind her eyes and she gasped awake, heartbeat going haywire, eyes unseeing as someone took whatever had been covering her face and started breathing into her directly. Was this the famed mouth to mouth resuscitation she'd heard never seen properly outside of a movie or tv show? It must be because she wasn't breathing, she was sure of that. The air was sucked from her lungs and the oxygen mask wasn't working so someone else was going to force her to continue to live in agony when all she wanted was to fade into that everlasting darkness of relief.

Before Kara could try to go back, they were successful because she was breathing in air on her own again. Her eyes were bleary, but she could see again and it was an almost welcome vision. Lena was hovering over her, eyes scanning her diligently for anymore problems. No, it wasn't welcome. The feeling that welled in Kara's chest was so bittersweet. She may have saved her physically, but her mental stated was in complete turmoil. Nothing about this was making her happy and nothing would ever make her happy again without this woman in her life permanently. She'd rather have something rather than nothing at all, which it had become since Lena chose to walk away and give her no chance to even utter the ill-fated words, I'm Supergirl, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, Lena. Kara didn't even know she'd said it out loud until she took in Lena's furrowed brows, an unknown emotion welling within her beautiful eyes.

"Why didn't I just die instead?"

"Kara?" her eyes rolled back in her head, vision fading. She didn't want this anymore, couldn't take this anymore because nothing would ever be right again. Not without her in her life.

Unfortunately, whatever Lena must be doing for her was working because her lungs were actually healing properly and so was her broken ribcage and she couldn't slip into her dark world anymore. Kara didn't even know why Lena bothered to save her. She obviously didn't care like she used to. Maybe she never would care about Kara the same way ever again. It was her own fault that this happened.

"I wish I was dead already." That was supposed to be a thought but it had come out of her mouth, barely more than an exhalation. Kara had no idea how Lena had managed to hear what was barely audible under her barely functioning lung's breath.

"Are you trying to kill yourself?" Kara didn't answer, not out loud. "Why are you doing this, Kara?" Again, not a word passed her lips as she kept her eyes closed, hoping Lena would leave like she had half a year ago. Lena left a hole in Kara's already broken heart so why not continue to pretend Kara didn't exist? "I know I've been giving you the silent treatment, but this is not the same, Kara. Despite everything, I think I deserve an answer to this question at the very least, Kara. Don't you?"

"My life is meaningless." And she could tell without even looking, without even hearing an audible response, that Lena didn't like that answer one bit and for the first time since she woke up, she realized that Lena was holding her hand and hadn't let go even after she woke up from the blankness she craved. It was a drug. Her morphine.

"Well, like it or not, I'm not going to let you die. Not like this, Kara." Whatever Kara wanted to say, she wasn't going to voice her thoughts. Kara tried, she really did, to get Lena to let go of her hand. But her body didn't listen, couldn't move more than the barest hint of twitching. The best she got was slipping down the barest amount, but Lena's grip was firm but gentle somehow.

"You should have let me die." Damn it, why couldn't she control her body?

"Because the world needs Supergirl, Kara." The implication that Lena didn't need her caused a fresh wave of pain she didn't think she was even capable of feeling. Rao, why wouldn't this pain go away? Just leave me already, she wanted to scream and cry until there was nothing left. No more Kara, no more Supergirl, no more anything, just sweet nothingness. Was that too much to ask for, really?

X

Kara's body healed slowly. Alex had told her that she had been asleep for the better part of a week and that it was a miracle she was still alive from how many times she had coded and nearly stayed that way. Each time it happened, Lena had intervened and brought her back somehow. Dr. Hamilton had done her best but something about Lena's interference did what the machines could not do. Was it Kara's body recognizing that Lena was trying to save her that caused her to subconsciously want to fight for her life instead of giving up perhaps? Neither Alex nor Kara knew for sure, but Lena had been the deciding factor.

None of that mattered to Kara. She left the DEO sunbed not long after. Did it matter to her that she was no where near fully healed though? Of course it didn't. The road before her was blurry as she moved and kept moving. One foot in front of the other until she found herself standing in front of L-Corp for a moment before she fell to her knees, exhaustion and not being properly healed finally catching up to her. The security guards inside of the building must have recognized her because one of them had come out to help her to her feet. What was Kara even doing out here anyways? Lena hadn't allowed her in to see her in six and a half months. Did she expect something different this time around? Of course she didn't but Lena proved her wrong, somehow knowing Kara was there because it only took minutes of her being carried in by two security officers, having looped her arms around their necks to steady her, for Lena to show up unannounced.

"Bring her up to my office with me, please, gentlemen."

"Of course Miss Luthor. Right away," they answered, following the infuriatingly calm woman who acted like there was nothing important going on. However calm she sounded, Kara did notice that her hands were clenched into fists and shaking just slightly. She also looked a bit pale. Not that Lena wasn't naturally pale to begin with, but she was definitely paler than usual.

Kara had no idea what Lena was going to do to her now, but she couldn't do anything about it even if she wanted to now. If Lena could just start being like the rest of her family and just put Kara out of her misery now that'd be great. Fantastic even. Kara might love Lena more if she pulled a Lex and tried to kill her like Lex had her cousin. No, not try, just succeed and Kara would be eternally grateful to her to the point she might even say she could die happy. But Lena was Lena. She would never ever do something like that. And that was why Kara loved her so, so much.

No such luck it seemed because as soon as Kara was gently laid on the couch, feeling her consciousness fading away, a strong beam of sunlight was shot straight at her from some sort of device in Lena's capable hands. "I told you, you're not allowed to die. National City needs Supergirl."

A cold, mirthless laugh left Kara's lips and Lena seemed so shocked by the awful sound. "Nobody needs someone who wants to die, Lena. Why, if I had more strength, I'd go and jump off of your balcony right this moment but you'd probably do something to stop me and you're stronger than me right now." Before Kara could continue her miserable speech, she coughed violently, blood dripping out of the sides of her mouth as her lungs closed in on her painfully, causing an awful wheezing sound.

"Damn it Kara! Pull yourself together!" Lena was rolling her onto her side so she didn't choke on her own blood, gently pressing down against her back to help her breathing smooth out like it was something Kara even wanted. Kara didn't know how long it was, but sooner than she'd like, her breathing did even out and she was no longer dripping blood all over the carpet. It was a little … macabre, the sight of bright red blood all over the dark hardwood flooring. For long moments Lena's hand didn't stop it's soothing trek up and down her back and Kara hated everything about how it made her feel inside. Traitorous hope was a damn liar. It was a trick. Made her think things could be, might be, somehow okay. But she knew to stamp it out and brand it as what it was: a lie. A figment of her imagination, an illusion she crafted for herself to believe in the same way Lena had believed in her. "Are you feeling better now Kara?" Lena asked, voice gentle and soothing.

"Why? Why can't you just leave me to die like I deserve?" The words were hard to hear over the wetness of blood coating her throat, but based on Lena's expression she had no trouble making it out because the once soft look disappeared and a hard look replaced it.

"I've told you many times already why I can't do that, Kara."

"And every single time it makes me want to live even less," Kara replied, voice barely a whisper as she finally gave in to the exhaustion that was bone deep. Her body needed rest more than she needed to die.

X

It only took her a week to actually fully heal because Alex had strapped Kara into the sunbed against her will and she hadn't been strong enough to escape until it had been a few days. After nearly a week, she had made her escape and felt at full strength only two days later. Even after her strength returned, Kara could only think about how much more disdain she felt about the idea of not dying. Her distaste for life had only increased the longer she continued to breathe on an earth Lena hated her and would never feel anything else for her either. She was sure that Lena could care less about her beyond her physical well-being. After all, National City needed her, not Lena. Never Lena, not ever again anyways.

So, yeah, Kara wanted to die. Alex had finally caved and told Clark about what had happened and he took a weekend off to shower Kara with his presence but it did nothing to soothe her. In fact, it only solidified her belief because he was living proof of her failure as his much older cousin. He was the first person she had failed in life. Instead of helping him grow up to be one of the last Kryptonians, she had been separated from him and he grew up on earth without her and had helped her find a host family instead. To add insult to the injury, he was older than her by the same amount of years she had been alive before he was even born. Kara had nothing, no reason to live now. Everything everyone tried to do just made it all worse.

When would they learn? She just wanted to die in peace if they'd just let her, she could. Her heart, mind, and soul were already dead inside, so why wasn't she allowed to reflect that on the outside? It was a simple thing really. Let her fade away into nothingness. Just let her go. If only it could be so easy and they just allowed her this one freaking thing. Just this one thing and she could be happy again.

Lena hadn't contacted her since she had Alex come pick her up from her office, bleeding again, and forced her into a full recovery. She felt pathetic and dumb for not planning her magic escape better. It had been easy to make her escape when no one had thought that she would leave when they were all getting ready to change shifts and she hadn't been bound by anything to stay and she wasn't under watch. All she had to do was duck behind a place she knew far too well and then she was gone. The only reason she had been caught was because she allowed her mind to wander and body to go wherever her feet directed her. It had led her right to L-Corp and right onto Lena's couch. She had been an utter fool, allowing that slipup had cost her plan to completely fail. Now she had to wait for another chance to die.

And it came so quickly she couldn't believe her good fortune in this opportunity. Eve Teschmacher had set something up to capture her and was now holding her in cell with Kryptonite making her skin glow a sickly green as it ran through her veins, causing her to feel sick. She didn't even care. Her body was bruised, face a bloody mess of bruises and a possibly broken jaw after one of her buffy henchmen had kneed her right in the chin for kicks. Kara let out a manic laugh, sounding crazy, and that, more than anything, had ended their torture for now because Eve was making all of them double check that no one had found their location yet. If they were compromised, they would just find somewhere else to set up shop. The fact that Eve thought that Kara's laughter was from confidence caused more chuckles to leave her lips. It was laughable that they didn't think Supergirl might want to die. That very thought was probably the furthest thing from their minds and it was a sickening twist that brought Kara to cry as she laughed almost hysterically where she lay in a crumpled heap.

Perhaps because she thought her long-awaited death was coming her hopes were dashed by not only the DEO but Lena as well coming to the rescue. She sighed in resignation as they worked to knock out the leftover Leviathan agents and Eve. It was too good to be true after all and death was not claiming her today. It was pathetic that Kara just couldn't manage to die. She was such a failure she couldn't even die properly.

A bitter laugh escaped her lips. Someone opened her cage but she just laid curled up on the floor of the cage where she had been dumped when she first got there. Kara didn't bother to acknowledge whoever was in the cage with her. Belatedly, Kara realized she couldn't tell who it was because she was still in contact with Kryptonite and therefore didn't have any of her abilities at the moment. It would be too easy if she knew where the Kryptonite was. Whoever it was, gently pushed her up into a sitting position, causing a pained whimper to leave her lips unbidden. They must have realized what happened because the softest touch of a hand barely grazed her chin and Kara couldn't even grit her teeth against the pain of that, barely there, pressure.

"What have they done to you?" Kara couldn't answer if she wanted to, but the next thing she knew, arms had wrapped around her, carefully avoiding her broken jaw area. And then she was being laid into a soft lap and Lena was once again looking down at her with an emotion Kara didn't dare try to analyze.

Somehow, Lena's presence made that bittersweet feeling well up within her again. Alex had come over at some point, more than likely trying to figure out the source of the Kryptonite even though she was worried about Kara. Finding that damn source was more important at the moment since Lena was already with Kara.

Kara was so exhausted. It was hard to keep her eyes open. She wasn't fighting it before, so why fight it now? Kara heard someone calling her name. Was it Alex's voice? She could also hear something closer, a voice telling her to hold on, but she just didn't want to do that anymore.

Love had changed her, wrecked her, destroyed her very will to live. No, she didn't want to fight, not ever again for anything in her life. She was okay with things ending this way.

Sweet relief. Blank nothingness, please stay.

Who is on board with this angst train? I certainly am and here is the featured artist for this fic, Thanh Bui with Heartbeat. There's another website I upload stories onto first if you'd like to check it out as well as other works I haven't posted yet! If you want to be able to read the whole fanfic, click on this link here and help support my writing too!

姫宮光る


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